Pornography Addiction

Jan 11, 2012

Life's most severe grief often comes from the disappointment of our expectations. My expectation for my life included the idea that my husband would rely on me to meet his sexual needs, that he would avoid sin, and certainly that he would never be called an addict.

At the time we were married he had only come across pornography by accident. He had seen it, but was not tempted to view it. After three or four years of marriage he began to travel for work and for the first time ordered a pornographic movie in his hotel room. A new, ugly, world opened up to him. His brain began to change and physiological responses caused his body to give in to behaviors that made him feel ashamed, guilty and depressed.

In the beginning I blamed myself. I begged, pleaded, cried and cried to try and get him to see how he was hurting me. I felt angry at him for being so careless, I felt betrayed by the thought of the images that were now a part of his memory. I was also ashamed and annoyed that my husband participated in such filth. This was not what I had expected for my marriage, or my life. To top it all off, I felt incredibly alone. Sex addiction isn't exactly something you bring up at a play date. I had no one to talk to, for fear they would judge my husband and forever think differently of him.

When he started to throw around the word “addict” at first I felt like it was an excuse. when I accepted it was true,  it was a hard pill to swallow. But it opened the doors to healing for both of us.

We have been married for eight years now, and up until a few months ago his problem was becoming unmanagable, effecting his performance at work and wreaking havoc on our relationship. He is now in recovery, using every resource available to him including church leaders, a 12-Step addiction recovery support group, and a personal counselor. I too have found comfort in family support groups and from meeting other women in my situation. I still struggle with fear of relapse, he still struggles too and I know that this journey for us is not over.

I never believed people when they said that their trials were a blessing. My grief was exquisite and had to be hidden away in my heart for so long. But I can say this has been a blessing. I am a different person. My relationship with my husband is profoundly deeper. My compassion for others has grown ten-fold. I truly know that “in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see.” I am more loving to all, especially those engrossed in sin. I am more lenient to the faults of others. My husband is a more understanding father to our children, because he has a new appreciation for the patience his Heavenly Father has shown to him. And that, is my good grief.


* You can read more about Jane's journey on her blog HERE. Wow. 

This entry comes at a timely momet. I am helping to promote a film project on this very subject. Have you heard of the film "Shamed"? You need to know about this project. Click HERE, on my family blog, to learn more about it. 







Mac on 01/17/2012
I love what you wrote here. It is so hard to call our trials "good" in any way, but they really are here for our good. I, too, have learned so much through this trial. The Refiner's fire, indeed. I just hope my husband feels the same.

Jenn on 01/26/2012
Thank you for sharing this. I was married to a man with a sexual addiction, too, and I know it is so so difficult. You are in my prayers.

A sister... on 02/28/2012
Amen. This trial is lonely--so lonely. My life will never be the same. I have learned so much, but that ache is still hidden deep down. I know, through the Atonement, that healing is possible. I am a living witness of it. I am happy. I have forgiven. But there are times that the pain overtakes me (4 years later), and I wonder "why me." Thank you for sharing. For letting me know that there are others who suffer as I do. And that yes, this is GRIEF.

Michelle on 03/07/2012
Thank you for sharing Jane's story. We've had a lot of people on the <a href="">website I manage</a> and so I decided to create a forum where wives could talk with each other. (It's linked to my name above.) To "a sister" or others, just wanted to let you know about it. I'm the admin, but there are many women there to help you not feel so alone and to hear how others are working toward healing and hope (and/or to share your strength with others walking the path). Molly, thanks for your site. We just saw your story on byutv and I had a good cry. Thanks for all the good you are doing.

Dorothy Hayden on 08/24/2012
I think this web site holds some really superb info for everyone. “There is nothing so disagreeable, that a patient mind cannot find some solace for it.” by Dorothy Hayden.

Susan Dugal on 10/09/2012
Thank you for inspiring me to go look up my own scrutiny. Yours was way more indepth than mine.

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