The Long and Winding Road--A Story of Infertility and Adoption

Mar 05, 2012

We were married in Scotland (where I was born and raised).  As newlyweds we moved to Mark's hometown in Arizona.   So happy, so in love, we innocently made plans for our future together.  A week  after we were married I eagerly awaited the pregnancy test result!   We could not wait to start a family of our own. Month after month, I stared at the negative pregnancy test willing another line to appear is if by magic.  Some months I would take as many as 15 pregnancy tests, in the hope that one of them would give me the result that I so desired.  I wanted to be a mother. Every part of my being ached for a child.   I slowly began to shy away from social gatherings, everywhere I looked, there were pregnant ladies, every conversation seemed to incorporate birth stories, c-sections and epidurals.  I didn't know quite where I fit. It was a very lonely time.

After a year of trying to conceive, the doctor began running some tests.  We were told that it would be impossible for us to conceive naturally.  It felt as if we had been stabbed in the heart!!!
A short while later we prayerfully considered adoption.  We both felt strongly that this was going to be the path for us..  We began the rigorous adoption paperwork.  I was obsessed with getting everything done quickly, It was a lot of work but my desire to be a mother was my fuel. I began creating a nursery for the child that I longed for.

In Aug 2004 we got a phone call from an adoption agency saying there was a birthmother that  had liked our profile, she was due in a few days, we were told that the birth mother had admitted to drug usage during the pregnancy, and she was having a BOY!!! She narrowed it down to us and one other couple. I could barely take in all the information I was so excited.  That afternoon I got another phone call saying that we had been chosen!!  I was literally dancing around in my living room!!!  We were ecstatic! 

I immediately began packing, family members excitedly brought us baby clothes and essentials to take with us.  The next day we flew out to Iowa to meet "Sandra" .  When we met her, I stared at her pregnant belly, this was really happening!!  I was kind of star struck, I felt so humbled by what this lady was about to give to our family.  I remember admiring how beautiful she was, and could only imagine how handsome our new little boy was going to be. I was on cloud nine!

Early next morning we got a phonecall, it was "sandra" she asked me... "so are you ready to meet your son??"  Tears sprung out my eyes as we raced to the hospital to meet him. "Sandra" place the most beautiful little baby boy I had ever seen, into my arms. He was wrapped tightly in blankets and was a warm bundle in my arms, I took off his little hat and felt his soft silky hair, I stroked his velvety soft cheeks. I could barely see through my tears, I kept whispering "thank you, thank you, thank you" to "sandra"  Wondering why I couldn't think of a more suitable, expression of my heart.  He was here, we had a son.  We decided to name him Jacob Mark.  Life was perfect! 

The hospital kindly gave us a private room just off of the nursery, where we could stay with our baby Jacob.  So there we stayed for three days, rocking him, cuddling him, feeding him, changing him, singing to him and making plans for our future as a family of three.  

Nothing could have prepared me for the news- "Sandra" had changed her mind! She had decided that she no longer wished for him to be placed for adoption.  I was completely stunned......  I was in shock!  How could this be happening???  NOOOO this can't be happening!!!   A social worker came to take baby "anthony" (as he was now being called) and he was placed with a foster family.  Since "sandra" was still taking drugs.   

I didn't know what to do, I tried pleading with the birthmother to reconsider her decision but this was not to be the outcome.  We were completely heartbroken.  We prayed to Heavenly Father and asked him for a miracle.  We returned to Arizona completely defeated, devastated, angry, and vulnerable, pushing the empty stroller and car seat around the airport, with swollen eyes.  
For days I would cry myself to sleep not knowing if I would ever get the opportunity to be a mommy.  I was angry with God, why would he allow this baby to have gone into the welfare system, when here we were, a happily married, stable couple who were deeply in love with this little boy, we would have taken care of him and raised him well. What if he went his whole life not knowing that someone loved him?   I would call the social worker in Iowa and ask about "jacob" but she couldn't tell me anything due to breech of confidentiality. There was absolutely nothing I could do.  I would go into the nursery we had prepared and sob.  I sank into depression, how could I find joy in my life without children?  What was my purpose? Why did my body go through the monthly cycle of creating and discarding a perfectly good egg? Why did Heavenly Father allow babies to be born into bad situations, but He didn't trust us???  How could we try to adopt again? What if this were to happen again????  How could I be grieving for a child that was never mine? 
Three months later, we were chosen by another birthmother.  We KNEW we were going have to keep trying, in order to be able to have a family.  We were ready to put our hearts on the line once again in the hope for a child we could call our own. We patched up our wounded hearts and headed to Utah.  We drove home a week later with our precious bundle Kyle. We were able to take him to the temple and be sealed......  a highlight of my life.
We have since had another 2 sons, through the help of fertility treatments. Brody and Owen.  And last year we brought our little princess Ava home, through the love of her sweet birth mother. 
We now have four precious children, each have come to us in their own unique and incredible ways.  I still think of "baby Jacob" often, and hope and pray that he is happy and cared for and loved wherever he is.  I have learned that Heavenly Father is in charge. That he has a special plan for each of his children.  It will happen on His time frame.  I am grateful for the experiences we have had in building our family.
To those couples who morne for a child, I ache for you, please don't give up hope. Do your part and let the Lord do His. The amazing thing about infertility is, when you are blessed with your child (however he/she may come to you) the trial is over! It is OVER!  



Gabrielle on 03/05/2012
I so glad your story has a happy ending and you were able to be a mother. :) I hope everyone who longs to be one will have the opportunity!

Sharylann on 03/06/2012
Thank you for the reminder to keep trying.

Camille on 03/06/2012
As a person who has struggled with infertility for literally YEARS, I actually no longer find it comforting to be told to "keep trying". Sometimes the answer is no. I don't want to come to a grief site and hear about how all I need to do is just keep hoping and praying that something I want will come true, I need help in coming to terms with my grief that life doesn't always happen the way you want it to. I'm not trying to criticize this particular author and I am happy for this person that things were successful for her, but I don't plan to return to this website again. Wow. Just wow.

Sara on 03/08/2012
I can see Camille's point in not seeing how "just keep trying" is a helpful thing to say. I have "tried" for 8 years. I was blessed with a child through adoption. This did not cure my infertility. It just cured my childlessness. I will always be infertile. I also have no hope that I will be pregnant or even be able to adopt again. There are just too many variables and not enough money in my life to make this happen. We went through 3 failed placements before our son was born and I don't even want to go through that ever again. The author has been incredibly blessed with her children and I'm sure she knows how lucky she is. I have broken my heart several times over my infertility. Each month a new grief comes. The three babies we have lost in failed placements I don't even have the comfort that I will "raise" them in the afterlife. They were never sealed to me. They are being raised now and I continually think about them and how much I loved them. Infertility and failed adoption grief are incredibly hard to even talk about. Each of us have such different paths in our journey that it should never be compared.

Michele on 03/12/2012
Seriously, I think some people are missing the point of this. I think this site is a great source of hope, support and love for families who are grieving. We lost our first born son at birth almost 12 years ago. And although we are not drowning in our grief anymore, we still have a hole in our lives that cannot be filled. Everyone is on their own's true. I would much read about stories of hope than of despair.

Karla Houston on 03/18/2012
I am the mother of a blended family, which has brought my husband and I the blessings of many grandchildren . . . yet our youngest child, a daughter, along with her sweet husband is unable to give birth to their 'own baby.' Since birth, throughout our daughter's young life and on into adulthood, she suffered from an AVM (arterial-venous malformation) in her brain. Through 1 Gamma-Knife and 2 open-brain surgeries, and all the pain and sacrifices that come along with AVMs, our daughter remained faithful and strong. A few years ago she and & her husband were given the "okay" to begin their own biological family and to adopt. When a pregnancy did not come, they began fertility tests and trials. All the trials and tests were for naught . . . carrying their 'own" child was not to become a reality. They continued on in the adoption process, with the same hopes and dreams. The adoption process, too, has hit many snags - as we often hear from other couples & their individual stories. Needless to say, they still do not have a child of their own in their home. What I have come to discover is that their definition of "our own child" has changed . . . from one that is carried in a womb to one that comes carried into their home. My daughter & her husband are more than ready to be the parents. I watch them struggle with trying to keep the faith that in "God's Time" all will happen. . . . . My heart hurts for struggling couples that desire to have children and can't seem to get there by any means within their power. I believe they will be magnificent as parents. In supporting our youngest daughter and her husband with their struggles to become parents, I choose to follow the hope of the ladies who don’t give up. If hope has left a person’s heart then where do they go from there? On a personal note, I am a crisis counselor for a local fire department. Our Crisis Response Crews are often on the scene of an "infant CODE" (or death). We support the family and friends as they go through probably the worst day of their lives. . . . the message of hope is what is in my heart as I lend support to them for the shock and profound grief they are feeling in the moments we are with are together. I am not there to tell them everything will be okay . . . or to even tell them there is hope with a future without their child. I am just there to support. However, I need the hope I feel in my heart, to give me the strength needed to support others, rather than the pain of no hope.

beth on 03/21/2012
I am the one the wrote this post.... This was not intended to offend or hurt. I wrote this from my heart. This was my experience. I was in noway saying that "all you need to do is hope and pray" or even that "you need to keep trying" I knew that "I" had to "keep trying". trying EVERYTHING, and exploring every avenue possible to bring children into our home and lives.... we are currently working on our foster-care training.

beth on 03/21/2012
I am the one the wrote this post.... This was not intended to offend or hurt. I wrote this from my heart. This was my experience. I was in noway saying that "all you need to do is hope and pray" or even that "you need to keep trying" I knew that "I" had to "keep trying". trying EVERYTHING, and exploring every avenue possible to bring children into our home and lives.... I was not willing to accept what nature had dealt us. I know it is deeply personal and what was right for my husband and I, might not be for right for another family. I love this grief website, and feel badly that someone was so offended by my post, I hope that others might take hope from my experiences. I have been in the depths of despair, struggling to even get out of bed in the morning, because of my longing for children. And now I have been blessed beyond belief, with FOUR of them!! I can barely keep up. I wrote this to inspire even one struggling woman bearing the weight of her empty arms. To Trust in Heavenly Father, He has not forgotten about you, don't lose hope, and WORK your butt off exploring all the options out there!!! Don't let the grief of longing, swallow you up whole. When you lose hope, you lose everything! we are currently working on our foster-care training, and are excited about the next adventure ahead of us. Thank you Molly, for allowing me to share my experience of pain, grief, hope and deliverance.

Christine on 03/26/2012
To the author of the story. I hope you don't feel badly that some people chose to be offended because your story was not what they were looking for right now. I am going through a different trial right now, but with similar feelings/prayers/despair. Your story helped and inspired me. A good reminder that life is not always what we planned, but when we have faith and "keep trying", it will most certainly be a beautiful ending. Whether it is filled with our hopes and dreams, or other things we had not considered. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story, I loved it.

Liz on 04/16/2012
It is comparatively easier to write about hope and helping others through grief and struggle when you have reached the perverbial happy "ending" of your own grief. And isn't that the point? When you are blessed through your work, your efforts, and God's gracious turn around and LIFT someone else up? To be able to share with others that you have had similar feelings of hopelessness and grief that at some point you can experience the joy from your "fiery trial"? And it really is not a contest to see who can be stuck in the grief and despair phase the longest. Just knowing that others have felt these pains and have survived to whatever "ending" has worked out for them. Let's not be offended for others joy after the trial of their faith...but let's look to God in faith and courage to accept his plan and get to work fulfilling it. I know the author and I am grateful for her decision to uplift and share her story of finding peace and working. To everyone else: keep your head up and keep working towards your goals and desires.

Cristall on 07/27/2012
Thank you so much. I needed to read that story.

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